SHMEE · WANTS · REVENGE.

so i find myself sitting here, feeling quite lonley and thinking too much.
but sometimes i enjoy thinking.
as of now, i have realized all too much in the past ten minutes.

tonight; peope were drinking around me. egging me on, trying to get me to crack and drink with them like "old times"
they miss the "old me". the old sarah.
but did they really know me, cause me, well i know myself all too well.
well sure, they knew me. they knew the girl i was. the girl with all the morals and beliefs. who often got let down, but never seemed to show it.
the girl that had no problem with just having a little bit of fun, never too much fun, because she had self control.
little did anyone know, this girl had a problem. a problem with attachment. a problem with feeling so let down. feeling so unappreciated, so unloved, and so lonely. she would find ways to get rid of these feelings, somewhat hiding them, throwing them away and hoping they wouldn't return.
she would do things to temporarily ease away whatever pain was hitting her too hard.
but those days, were a while ago.

recently;
yeah, i miss drinking. no, i don't like being put under the category "alcoholic" or being a victim of "alcoholism"
even though i am not an alcoholic, and did fall into alcoholism.
and i find myself saying to people how lucky they are that they can drink. that they can still party and have fun.
that i miss those days, that i miss being like that.
but something hit me today.
i don't miss any of that. at all. i don't miss drinking my problems away. i don't miss not being happy sober, i don't miss hiding from reality, i don't miss faking happiness. i don't miss any of it.
what i have right now is something so much better.
something that makes me feel so much better. something so much more powerful than any alcohol, any drug, anything at all.
something that i am so addicted and attached to. something that i love so much more than alcohol.
people say, "but sarah, you used to love drinking so much. you had so much fun"
to be honest with you. to be honest with everyone.
what i've found. what i have. what i want to keep forever. is so much better. what i have i love so much more than anything i've ever loved before. anyone i've ever loved before. any experiance i've ever loved before. anything i can think of.
it can't compare to any of it, any of it put together.
im completly happy. completly sober. completly aware and awake. completly glowing. completely in love.
what i have is love. who i have is an amazing boy that makes me feel amazing.
someone i could never replace, no matter how hard i try. someone who has flaws just like i do. who's flaws i accept in every way and love him for them. love him for not being perfect. love him for being a person. love him for being himself.
someone i could be my complete self around without feeling any kind of insecurity, or any uncomfort.
with him i feel safe. with him i feel happy. with him i feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

so to all my friends. i love you guys, to death and beyong. but,
im not sorry to say that im no longer part of that "partying scene"
i am however sorry to say that some of you do doubt the feelings i have, and the respect i have not only for myself, but for chase.
but i do love him. believe it or not. regardless of my age, or experiance.
but im done. i've settled down. and im happy with the person i am, the person im becoming, and happy with the relationship im in.
i never want to do anything to lose it. never want to lose it.
i would hate myself for it.
and right now i love me for me. love him for him.
and love this whole ideal picture of love itself.


im happy. and right now, that's all that matters.

ahahah we're at the computer lab right now.
so basically alot has happened lately.
larry randy victoria payden chase and nick all got rolled at mira costa for being drunk.
busttt.
the night before that;
me rosie chase brittni victoria and randy all stayed the night in tents at mira costa.
me rosie and randy went " to work"
it was fun.
i got a camera. ahahaha.

but yeah. ill update later. wereleaving.

so basically there's alot going on right now.

i've noticed i have anxiety. and can't be at home without talking to my friends or having a friend over or i freak out and get depressed.
it's really lame.
and my dad's a dick. and won't stop being a suspicious bastard.
going to leave my mom. wants to take me with him. bla bla.

and i find it amazing how this one person can make me so incredibly happy. when i can't even be with him.
i would do anything for him. anything at all.
stop smoking. stop drinking. whatever it took.
he's just such a great person and makes me want to be so much better than i am.
he makes me laugh. he makes me smile.  he's fuckin adorableeeeee.
what do i doooooodgnskdljfnhkjfsdnhksdfjnhksdfjnhkdfjnh
it makes me feel like shit that i don't deserve him.
i get along with him so well. i can tell him anything and he'll understand. and we have so much in common.

but it doesn't matter.
dgsjnsdgkjsdg
im never going to be happy.
ever.

something that's really been bothering me.
is all the people i've been getting together. yeah it makes me so happy to see my friends happy and with someone. but im just sick of trying and getting shot down, lead on, ect.
im so sick of being " such a good friend" or " such a chill person that people don't ever want to lose"
it's like me being such a good friend to everyone or being so silly gets me the label as " the best friend" and only that.
i really want more. but it seems as if everyone im ever interested in always likes me best as the friend. the awesome girl bestfriend.
what am i doing wrong?


today just made me realize something.
this kid. that i've met quite recently. makes me so happy. i don't know what it is.
i saw him a few times today and i smiled every time.
i just like the person he is so much.
and it's a little pathetic that im spilling to my livejournal.
but i can't tell him this. or explain it.
im not so sure what to do.
i wanna be with him. or someone like him.
we get along so well.  and have much in common.
and i already trust him. and im pretty comfortable around him.
he makes me want to be a better person. or something.
that's always a good thing right?


i think i've just lost all self confidence with telling anyone how i feel anymore.
i've been let down too much.
maybe i'll get the guts and tell him completly how i feel. one day.
but as of now, i can't.



but of course sarah never gets what she wants
so i don't know why i bother.
sometimes i dissapoint myself.


 

today; last day of summer.
tomorrow; first day of sopomore year.

yay...
summer was fun. i did the same thing alot. but whatever. i met alot of new people. became close to alot of new people.
and realized who some of my real friends were.

the past two days i was at nicks two day party. that was interesting.
idk i haven't writtin in here in a while.
i like a new boy.
he's great. :]

i love this kid





and i love this girl.
not only are they my best friends.
but they are the reason i wake up every morning with something to look foreward to
with a smile on my face and a few laughs in my day
life is good with them in it
the bond i have with them you won't ever understand
you.will.never.know.

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me
I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me

Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me),
and here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me).
Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me).
And here we go, life's waiting to begin,
life's waiting to begin

the last day of schoool.
was alright. finished finals. short day. can't complain.
here's the catch
as im walking back to the pe number from the library.
who sneaks up on me but the fabulous ryan finnegan.
so he walks me to my pe class. and asks me why i ignored him and if i really did.
i wanted to die, i felt so bad. talking to him again made me miss him so damn much.
i don't even know anymore.
im caught in between two guys. and im very confused.
i guess i'll just go with the flow and enjoy my summer.

as for the kid i like alot. i can never get him. i don't know what im thinking.
i give up.

the past 3 days
i've been at the pier. smoking. talking. walking. chillin.
i've come to discover that i chain smoke way too much.
and that i may be on the verge of addiction.
i couldn't get a cigarette and got so angry at everyone and so depressed.
a reaction i wasn't used to. and i got scared.
i spent a day at the pier with chris and alli. and hey i had a blast.
they are really fun to be around. and i like chris alot. he makes me want to be so much better
and everytime i look at him, i can't help but smile.
now tell me that someone that someone like him isn't perfect for me?
because im pretty conviced that is not far from being perfect.
i don't know what to do. i'd do anything to be with him.

ive had these dreams
of being in his arms. being his. him being mine. being the happiest girl on earth. it was full of me smiling and laughing.
of me holding his hand and kissing him on the cheek.
us being so caught up in each other. so devoted and dedicated to each other. so commited.
i'd give SO much for that. people don't even understand
i want to be happy. he makes me happy. he makes me smile. he makes me better. he makes me want to be even better.
he makes me love the simple life. he makes me want to start things i've givin up. he encourages me to start soccer again.
to be interested in something i once loved so much again.
i need him.
i want him.
can i have him?


i just totally spilled to a livejournal.
lame.

was so amazingly fun.
in pe that is. we jumped in the pool in our clothes.
now at first i just put my feet in. but chris and alli wouldn't jump in unless me and brittni did.
so le quad held hands and jumped in the pool together.
i held his hand.

and wow, what can i say. i felt something there?